I have a confession to make

Photo courtesy of http://www.superyachts.com
Photo courtesy of http://www.superyachts.com

I know we’ve been friends for a long time now. Of all the stories I have told you, of all the things I wanted to say, this one’s the most difficult thing to say.

Remember the first time you asked me if you courted me before if you stood a chance? I said NO. Because that time I’m not really allowed to have a boyfriend. Even if I wanted to, I restrained myself because being the eldest I had to be a good role model for my younger sisters. And being the obedient daughter that I am, I had no choice.

But when you asked me again after a year while we were alone in the car, I still said NO, because if that was really before, the answer was really NO, but actually, I was waiting for you to ask me if you were to court me NOW and I would have said YES. I felt it was the right time. Unfortunately it wasn’t the right time for you.

April 12, 2009. How can I forget the first time I saw you again after so many years of being away. You looked so different – different from the person I used to know. You looked much handsome, confident, and dignified compared to your younger-not-much-of-a-good-looking self.

When I saw you that day, I knew something had changed in you and something had also changed in the way I look at you.

I tell you, I tried my best to ignore that ‘feeling’ while convincing myself that you were only a friend and that all I wanted was to be with you and support you. But you know how fate sometimes works. It brings two people closer together only to separate them in the end.

Who in his right mind would think that we could only end up as ‘friends’ if we were always together, trading secrets, stories, and problems?  I did, but I was mistaken.

A good friend once told me that these feelings were not for me to keep. That it was for you and you have every right to know. So I summoned all my courage to tell you what I felt not to change your mind or influence you on something. I just felt the need to reveal them now so I won’t regret that I should have told you this:

I loved you ever since I pretended to myself that you aren’t my type. I  loved you for who you are – for your wit, your intelligence, your sensitivity, and your creativity. I loved you wholly, unconditionally, and without reservation. I loved you enough to sacrifice a friendship.

Forgive me if I feel this way about you. Maybe, maybe I’m in love, in love with the idea of US – together someday – of becoming more than just friends. And it’s really killing me that we can’t be together even if we wanted to.

Someday, we’ll cross each other’s paths again and I wish a family of my own, and your happiness with the life you have chosen. It’s sad though that it was too late for me to realize that you’ve been the perfect guy I’d been praying for all along. It was YOU, beside me all along.

But you know what’s sadder? That you just can’t find in your heart the courage to love me back even if you wanted to and hearing you say, “I wanted to love you but I just can’t.”

*I wrote this five years ago for a friend I fell in love with. First published on July 26, 2012 with minor edits.

Published by Mylene Orillo

Mylene Orillo is a contributing writer at My Pope Philippines. Prior to that, she contributed to the Health & Lifestyle magazine.  She's a former correspondent at The Manila Times; former editor-in-chief of TravelPlus magazine; and former assistant editor of Health & Lifestyle, Zen Health, and DiabetEASE magazines by FAME Publishing, Inc., a company owned by cardiologist Dr. Rafael Castillo who has given her the much-needed break and opportunity in the health industry and medical field.  Her previous job as a Media Consultant at the Philippine Charity Sweepstakes Office and Writer-Researcher at the Headquarters Philippine Army ignited her passions for charity, volunteering, selfless service, and love of country. As a young girl, she loved reading her mom's collection of Mills & Boons pocketbooks, which started her passion to write romance stories.  She has a Bachelor of Arts degree in Journalism from the University of Sto. Tomas in España, Manila. She is now working towards earning her master's degree hopefully this year. She loves traveling, long-distance running, reading romance and non-fiction books, watching Korean Drama series, feel-good rom coms, military movies, and documentaries during her spare time. Someday, she wants to meet Prince William and Pope Francis, settle down with the love of her life and have a family and kids of her own; and become a bestselling romance author.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: