I Have a Confession to Make

Photo courtesy of http://www.superyachts.com
Photo courtesy of http://www.superyachts.com

I know we’ve been friends for a long time now. Of all the stories I have told you, of all the things I wanted to say, this one’s the most difficult thing to say.

Remember the first time you asked me if you courted me before if you stood a chance? I said NO. Because that time I’m not really allowed to have a boyfriend. Even if I wanted to, I restrained myself because being the eldest I had to be a good role model for my younger sisters. And being the obedient daughter that I am, I had no choice.

But when you asked me again after a year while we were alone in the car, I still said NO, because if that was really before, the answer was really NO, but actually, I was waiting for you to ask me if you were to court me NOW and I would have said YES. I felt it was the right time. Unfortunately it wasn’t the right time for you.

April 12, 2009. How can I forget the first time I saw you again after so many years of being away. You looked so different – different from the person I used to know. You looked much handsome, confident, and dignified compared to your younger-not-much-of-a-good-looking self.

When I saw you that day, I knew something had changed in you and something had also changed in the way I look at you.

I tell you, I tried my best to ignore that ‘feeling’ while convincing myself that you were only a friend and that all I wanted was to be with you and support you. But you know how fate sometimes works. It brings two people closer together only to separate them in the end.

Who in his right mind would think that we could only end up as ‘friends’ if we were always together, trading secrets, stories, and problems?  I did, but I was mistaken.

A good friend once told me that these feelings were not for me to keep. That it was for you and you have every right to know. So I summoned all my courage to tell you what I felt not to change your mind or influence you on something. I just felt the need to reveal them now so I won’t regret that I should have told you this:

I loved you ever since I pretended to myself that you aren’t my type. I  loved you for who you are – for your wit, your intelligence, your sensitivity, and your creativity. I loved you wholly, unconditionally, and without reservation. I loved you enough to sacrifice a friendship.

Forgive me if I feel this way about you. Maybe, maybe I’m in love, in love with the idea of US – together someday – of becoming more than just friends. And it’s really killing me that we can’t be together even if we wanted to.

Someday, we’ll cross each other’s paths again and I wish a family of my own, and your happiness with the life you have chosen. It’s sad though that it was too late for me to realize that you’ve been the perfect guy I’d been praying for all along. It was YOU, beside me all along.

But you know what’s sadder? That you just can’t find in your heart the courage to love me back even if you wanted to and hearing you say, “I wanted to love you but I just can’t.”

*I wrote this five years ago for a friend I fell in love with. First published on July 26, 2012 with minor edits.

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